On Waking and Sleeping

I hate waking up early in the morning. Especially on weekdays. I'm not very coherent in the morning, as my wife can (and will) attest. So I was very surprised and a little irritated when my wife's phone rang this morning and woke me up. I three-quarters heard what was being said. Something about B being in the hospital and no, C probably wouldn't be available. Since it didn't seem like something that would directly affect me, I closed my eyes again and drifted off to... the sound of my phone bzzing. Outrage was starting to build. Who dareS distURB MY SLUMBER!

...Oh, it's B. Am I up? No. Awake. Sorta. Can we pick you up? From the hospital?? My eyebrows started wiggling their way up my forehead at this point. Needless to say, we went to the hospital this morning to pick up and take B home.

It didn't occur to me until later today that this was a wake-up call. B's significant other was at the hospital and was, understandably, upset. Would you like to hear that your spouse/partner/boyfriend/girlfriend has just felt the wind from the Grim Reaper's cloak?

I think not. This morning reminded me that life is fragile. I could be dead tomorrow. I could be dead a week from now. I could kick the bucket and spill the water all over the floor in a year. But I'm not terribly upset. Why? Well, when we arrived to pick B up, the crisis was long past. Out of danger, crisis averted. And the thought of my own death doesn't make me terribly upset right now. Why not?

I suspect it's because I've always had a sense during difficult situations that it wasn't my time. I don't believe in fate or destiny. Those ideas are... misguided. To borrow from Invictus (and you must imagine this in Morgan Freeman's voice, "I am the master of my fate: I am the captain of my soul."

My life, my choices. And when God decides that I'm ready to go, he'll make it my time.

So really, why am I writing this blog? To say that life is precious and we should make the most of it. To say that we should live in such a way that you or I could die in the next hour and feel that there is nothing to regret. To say that Thanatos is not to be feared. When the time comes, I think I'll be ready to sleep. And then, I'll go Home.